Matt Knudsen - Zach Sherwin

I did a little gig not long ago

And this dude came up to me after the show

And he said to me:

«Hey, you know the only difference between 'rap' and 'crap'?

It’s the letter C»

I thought «This guy is wack.

That joke is not even a wisecrack;

is a DUMB-crack»

But the memory is pain in my butt

Like a thumbtack in my BUM-crack

'Cause I didn’t have a comeback

Man, I wish I could have hit him with a zinger

Should have served him with the verbal equivalent of a middle finger

And now it’ll linger forever

But I’ve been stewing over what I’d say to him if I could do it over

He’d be like:

«Hey, you know the only difference between 'rap' and 'crap'?

It’s the letter C»

I’d say

«Are you insured medically?

'Cause you sure better be

When you’re broken in half from provokin' the wrath

And your joke?

Didn’t laugh.

And actually there’s another difference between 'rap' and 'crap' you did not

hit.

'Rap' describes my comedy on stage

'Crap' describes your comedy off it»

«Aw, shit»

«Oh, crap»

Everybody within earshot would be like:

«Oh, snap»

I’d high-five all around while the guy falls down

in a ball on the ground

Someone hands him a bandage to stop the bleeding

And when he manages to stand I’d say:

«Man, you just got defeated.

It’s ironic, I shit on your 'crap joke'.

You could say I defecated on it.»

Murder but I’d take it even further

He’d just be weeping pathetically I’d say:

«Hey, you know the only difference between 'defeated' and 'defecated'?

It’s the letter C»

Sudden hush like when a skydiver pulls a ripcord

Somebody tiptoes forward hands me a clipboard

And I’d let dude read it

Is a looseleaf sheet and it say the word 'Defeated'

I’d pull out a Sharpie marker

Narrow my eyes through my Warby Parkers

Like «Watch who you’re messin' with, with your effin' ish»

Then I’d write in the C and he is f-in-ished.

Finished!

Man, can you imagine if that’s what I said

If I’d come up with that off the top of my head

I should have shredded him

Knocked him down, dead.

But like I said,

that’s not what I said.