How to Shave - Dan Bull

To help you learn the stuff no one’s teaching you at school

So first let me take three minutes of your day

And explain how to skilfully and brilliantly shave

Oh, and by the way

If you’ve already got a beard

You may want to trim it first

'Cause shaving it feels rather weird

Now, choose a razor that suits it to your taste

You don’t need to pay much to groom and smoothen up your face

It could be basic, but make sure the blade is not serrated

Replace it with a new one as soon as there’s a chafe

I use one with at least a couple of blades;

a double dose

Now it’s time to get acquainted with the way your stubble grows

Place a hand on your face and move

Your fingers to your chin, the grain is smooth

And when you slide them upwards, then you’ll find it’s rougher

Now you’re going against the grain like a crop cutter

Ha

And now that you and your face have got to know each other

It’s time to get it wet and wash that sucker

Look

A lot of people can’t be bothered with this bit

But there’s a reason it’s good to get it smothered in liquid

Imagine you’re a painter and your face is a canvas

You want to make it blank before creating the grandness

Yeah, you may be handsome but you’re no oil painting

So wash the oil off with warm water from the basin

It’ll freshen up your pores so that the razor could be more effective on your

skin without sticking and scraping

That’s why if you’re able you may also want to take a min to rub it with a

scrub encouraging exfoliation

And once you’re washed

Get a hot damp cloth

Drape it on your face like a veil on a Vamp Goth

It’ll make the whiskers soft and easy to chop

So don’t take it off 'til we hear the drop

Now it’s time to pick the shaving cream or foam we want

And give yourself a big white beard like you’re Obi Wan

Kenobi played by Alec Guinness who did it better

But then we’ll slowly work it back until you’re Ewan McGregor

There are lots of different options

So pick one that’s your cup of tea

I like the fluffy frothy type 'cause it’s all bubbly

Lovely

Now here comes the really fun bit

Just whack it all over like a solo on a drum kit

Get your face all slathered in lather

'Til you couldn’t be recognised by your mother and father

Now let it settle on the surface

The waiting will be worth it

Once your face is shaven clean

You’ll reckon that it’s perfect

Now once you got that

Turn on the hot tap

Wash that razor’s blade

Give it a short bath

Now

Pick your razor up

Grip it by the shaft

And stick your finger up it

To the tip until it’s flat

You should hold it at about thirty degrees

That will make sure it curves over the surface with ease

Now slide it down your cheek

Using minimal pressure

So you don’t irritate your skin

Remember it isn’t leather

And then you’ll feel fresher

By reducing the strain

You’re producing less pain

So always move with the grain

Follow the natural pattern that your hair grows in

Unless you happen to be Seth Rogen

Then heck knows

Get into a rhythm as if you’re listening to techno

With repetition you’ll very quickly be giving deft strokes

Get into a rhythm as if you’re listening to techno

With repetition you’ll very quickly be giving deft strokes

The straighter the movement

The smoother the motion

The lower the need for post shave soothing lotion

And for certain problematic bits like the jawline

Just grab the skin and lift it up until it’s all tight

You’ll find that the skin

That was under that bone

Will be easier to skim

Now it’s in the flat zone

I know that under the nose is really awkward

But trimming what grows there is pretty important

So tuck your top lip over your teeth

And mow across from each approach so that’s it’s sleek

Expose your throat by simply lifting your chin

And keep it with the grain like you did at the beginning

Keep the razor clean and wet by dipping it in

Whenever there’s a bit of hair on it just give it a rinse

And then finally

It’s time to tidy your sideburns

If you want to trim them in a horizontal line

Turn your razor so it’s facing parallel to the ground

At the hight that you’d like and then slide it down

Now you’re clean shaven

It’s time for washing again

So you can see your face looking like the bottom of a baby

Give it another rinse with hot if you’ve got time

Otherwise splashing the cold on is just fine

Now it’s time to pat every little spot dry

Rub it in a little bit of moisturiser

Gosh my boy don’t you look fly

So you don’t have to bathe in aftershave at all

Unless that’s your taste it’s your call

It’s all cool

But there’s one more thing you ought to do

Wash and dry your razor so next time it’s like it’s all new

So well done you

You’ve just had a perfect shave

And now the world is yours

And you deserve it mate