The Goat - Adam Sandler, Jon Rosenberg, Johnathan Loughran

ADAM: I am a simple goat

I live on the back of a pick-up truck

The Old Man tied me here with a 3 ft. rope

Am I happy?

He don’t give a fuck

OLD MAN: Hey goat!

I’m gonna beat your head in with the hickory stick!

ADAM: Sometimes he uses his fists-a

He’s filled with anger and filled with rage

And tells me I smell like piss-a

His drink, Jimmy Beam

His chaser, a beer

After that, various alchohols

That’s when the beatings get so severe

I sleep

I pray he falls

But don’t feel sorry for me

Things weren’t always this bad

Why when I was a young talking goat

The Old Man was just like my dad

I come from the hills of Europe

That’s where I met the Old Man

He was lost in the woods

I gave him directions

He gave me a tuna can

Then he stopped in his tracks and he said

OLD MAN: Hey goat!

ADAM: Would you like to live with me?

I got a house with a pick-up truck

In a place across D.C.-a

I said, «sure why not?

I got no family.

You seem like a nice guy.»

So we went off to America

The home of apple pie

On the boat the Old Man told me

I would be a present for his wife

«A talking goat,» he exclaimed

«She's never seen this in her life!»

I felt so special

Well, I just couldn’t believe it

After all these years

I finally had a friend

He trimmed my beard

He scraped my hooves

I prayed it would never end

But when we got to his house

There was no wife

Only a short, short letter

It said: I’m leaving you for your brother

Because he fucks me better

His eyes filled with tears of sadness

His heart was filled with grief

To suit himself he drank a pint of Old Grandad

And beat me like a side of beef

I screamed, «send me back to the hills of Europe!»

He just shook his head and said

OLD MAN: Nope!

ADAM: No one will ever leave me again

To make sure

Put on the 3 ft. fucking rope-a

Present-day I’ve been on the truck for 51 years

My only friend is the A.M.

radio

Sometimes the neighborhood children stop by

But it’s always rocks and beer bottles that they throw

At first they’re excited to see a talking goat

They gather 'round to hear what I have to say

But I guess sometimes my stories go on too long

So they leave and giggle

I need a bidet

But you know there was a night

That I did get off the truck

When the Old Man was passed out drunk

Three neighborhood kids took me to a rock and roll concert

The kind of music?

Old school funk

It was the first time I’d been off the truck

The music made me lose control

The lead singer asked if we were having fun

I said, «fucking crank that rock and roll-a!»

The women at the show were beautiful

As they danced sexily on the soft grass

One of them even petted my fur

Fuck me in the goat ass!

Then some long-haired guys grabbed me by the horns

And threw me in the mosh pit-a

They passed me around and treated me nice

Til I nervously sprayed them with shit-a

Then the music stopped

And everything was quiet

And all the rock and rollers started a

Fucking goat riot

ROCK AND ROLLERS: Kill the goat!

Kill the goat!

Kill the goat!

Kill the goat!

ADAM: They chased me under the bleachers

They chased me onto the street-a

They chased me into an alley and said I was dead fucking goat meat-a

But then I saw a sight

That I’d never thought I’d see

The Old Man swinging his hickory stick

But he wasn’t swinging at me

OLD MAN: Fuck you pot smoking turkeys!

Don’t you press your luck!

ADAM: The long-hairs ran away screaming

As I scrambled onto the truck-a

When we got home the Old Man said, «goat you broke the sacred law.»

ADAM: No!

Please!

Sorry!

Shit!

«I'll let it go this time

But if you leave again

I’ll break your fucking jaw.»

Super!

Great!

Okay!

Thank you Old Man for saving my life

Thank you again and again

You could have let them barbeque me

But you acted like a friend

«I'm not your friend

I don’t even like you

I’m just not drunk,» he said

To prove his point

He drank a bottle of grain alchohol

And beat the fucking shit out of my head

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

You’re hurting me Old Man

That night I suffered a concussion

Deep inside my goat brain

I still cannot feel my tailbone

And I’ll probably will never walk straight again

I guess you’d call me

Escape goat

A punching bag for the Old Man to mock

Just because his wife left him

For his brother’s abnormaly large cock

He could’ve been my buddy

But instead he’s a crazy old fuck

And once again I go to sleep

In my eternal home…

The back of the pick-up truck

Good night Old Man!

OLD MAN: Yeah, good night goat!