Captain's Quarters - The Stupendium, Dan Bull

Welcome to the Captain’s Quarters

It’s all back in order

I be getting healthy so I ordered my big mac with water

Acting cautious

On my ship you’re trapped, Andorra

Getting in my way I leave em crushed like they a bag of walkers

They acting useless like reddit karma

They lacking answers

I’ll make em perish, like I’m Obama

They crash like java

I pull the llama

I be grinding time in Stardew Valley

So by now I think I’m qualified to be a farmer

Never had a ciggy but smoking the competition

They listen

The only time I drop the mic is when I’m trippin

Non-fiction, my blood is mythical

Biblical, making miracles

My brother caused a motherfucking flood when he was christened

Look at all the people who watch me on every Friday

Look at all the rappers that copy my font and typeface

They be getting bread I be getting Carbohydrates

When they hear the beat then they be ducking like a sidechain

A lazy Sunday sitting comfy in the country

When suddenly the butler Humphrey comes to bug me

The Captain wants some company in the club.

Lovely jubbly

You’ve heard of getting smashed?

I’ll be getting Humpty Dumptied

Every time I step up in the booth I’m supping on suds with a touch of vermouth

Dunking my tongue in its russet-y hues or some other subtly bubbly fluid

Intricate mixture of pickling my innards and tickling my quill til' I suddenly

spew

Lyrical wizardry, spitting my musical missives like bibbidi bobbidi boo

Climbing the drapes.

I’m going ape.

Raising the roof just like Shwabadi do

'Cause it’s the bear necessities to reap a little hulla-Baloo

These chaps got the raps on tap, The Cap, the Chairman and Douglby too

There’s nothing to do but glug on a couple of rums and a lovely pineapple juice

Nouveau riche trio here to stir some trouble

One minute at the bar I’m already seeing doubles

Or triples, quadruples, you know why they call them tipples?

'Cause I’m tipping back the spirits 'til I’m filled up to the nipples

My rhyme schemes are convoluted, some are genius, some are stupid

And as soon as you should hear them, your mind becomes polluted

I’m the undisputed tycoon of high-falutin' music

Providing you with highly putrid views, no time to mute it

I’m just too quick, I can’t just spit on the mic, I leave it glistening

Bright with slimy mucous.

Your wife still finds that I’m the cutest…

And though my pride and hubris invites a looming crisis

I regardless find the lark just far too amusing to quit

I might lose a few quid, but I’ll recoup it

By revealing my new trick, it’s killing you with half a billiard cue stick

I haven’t devised a method to monetise it really but fook it

I just find gratuitous mindless violence soothing, therapeutic

That’s half the fun, now pass the rum, I’d like a glass of some

Slurping it so hard it’s like a harlot’s bum that’s farting cum

Lining up shots faster than a starting gun

Christ, what the fuck have I just done?