Epic Rap Battle - Rhett and Link

Link: First off I wanna tell you I enjoyed the pizza

Well it really wasn’t great, but it allowed me to meet-cha

I’d like your number

But I’m not gonna leave a big tip to get it

Rhett: That means he’s cheap and pathetic, and if you date him you’ll regret it

Twenty-three percent from me communicates

I’m generous, not desperate, and I can calculate

Link: Is she supposed to be impressed?

Rhett: Well if you want a battle be my guest

Link: I’m a computer programmer and a cubicle dweller

I disabled Spell Check cause I’m a stellar speller

When I write an e-mail that includes an attachment

I never hit «send» before I’ve attached it

Rhett: Your job is a bore

I keep it hard core

Selling knives and insurance from door to door

You’re reflecting on a water cooler conversation

I’m giving an incredible knife demonstration

Rhett: May I interest you in some accidental death coverage?

Or a hard boiled egg slicer?

Link: I can change your computer wallpaper to a tropical beach scene

Rhett: Egg slicer

Link: I car pool

Cuz I’m environmentally sensitive

I pack a snorkel cuz I’m clever and so inventitive

Rhett: It’s inventive, inventitive isn’t a word

Link: Yeah I just inventited it, you just got served

Rhett: Well when I car pool, I take a group of third graders

On my way to work I teach them multiplication tables

See I’m a role model, an example to the youth

Link: Then why did this kid just tell me that one times one is two?

Link: At the gym people line up just to give me a spot

All eyes on me when I’m poppin' a squat

My career Plan B is to teach P. E

The model on the machine is based on me

Rhett: I’ve mastered the art of mental manipulation

Working every muscle group through meditation

This is me working out my triceps

Pick up my DVD called «Mind Reps.»

Link: My sense of style, is sweet like syrup

It’s not uncommon for people to think I’m from Europe

Rhett: I don’t follow the trends, I’m a style pioneer

See this turtleneck with a necklace?

You’ll be wearing this next year

Rhett: Is that all you got?

Link: Nope

Link: I see buttons, I just push 'em to see what they do

If something were to go wrong I’d just blame it on you

Rhett: I’m quick-witted, I always know just what to say

Link: Then say something clever

Rhett: Uh, okay

Link: I was offered a record deal while singin' at a karaoke bar

But I turned it down and became the president’s Karaoke Czar

Rhett: I rescued a dolphin entangled in a tuna net

And donated it to an orphanage to keep as a pet

Link: I gave the Heimlich to a horse choking on beef jerky

Two hours later he won the Kentucky Derby

Rhett: I’m allergic to nothing

Link: I’m allergic to weakness

Rhett: I embrace my weaknesses and call them uniquenesses

Link: I can drive a stick shift

Rhett: Well I can golf

Link: Well I can make it look like my thumb is coming off

Rhett: I invented the Half Nelson

Link: I invented the Full Nelson!

Rhett: I’ve got a signed picture of Boris Yeltsin

Link: My uncle is a lawyer!

Rhett: I roll my own sushi!

Link: I use the metric system exclusively!

Rhett: I know Morse code!

Link: Well I can speak it:

Rhett: You just said that the square root of raspberry should be legalized

Link: Exactly