I Won't Be Home For Christmas - Ray Stevens

Well it’s hard for me to get in the Christmas spirit

'Cause every time that I get near it

I envision the invasion that’s on the way

Yeah, same thing happens every year

My kinfolks come from far and near

To terrorize my home on Christmas day

And, you know, it wouldn’t be so bad

If all that came was Mom and Dad

But no, the whole fam damnily’s got to show

Uncles, sisters, brothers, cousins

Nieces, nephews, by the dozens

Don’t these folks have anywhere else to go?

A-and what a bunch of ne’er-do-wells

They’ve all got some sad tale to tell

So sayin' no is somethin' I just can’t do

And there’s the extra shoppin' for gifts to give 'em

And the only thing that they bring with 'em

Is the latest virulent strain of Asian flu

So I won’t be home for Christmas

Don’t count on stayin' with me

No I won’t be home for Christmas

I’m not tellin' anybody where I’m gonna be

You’ll have to trash your own house

Eat your own food

Go out and buy your own Christmas tree

'Cause I won’t be home for Christmas

So don’t count on stayin' with me

Now there’s fourteen kids from seven marriages

Skateboards, bottles and baby carriages

And I’m just talkin' about my sister Rose

Last night her husband du jour messed with the lights

The fuse box blew in the middle of the night

The heat went off and all the plumbing froze

Yeah, and my brother Paul he’s the worst of all

He’s six feet wide and five feet tall

One foot taller, friends, and he’d be round!

He’d clean a turkey in just four bites

My wife cooks three every Christmas Eve night

We try to eat one while he’s wolfin' the other two down

Last year I didn’t sleep a minute

Every bed I had had three people in it

And they all stayed right on through New Year’s Eve

Aw, it was one exhausting situation

I only get two weeks' vacation

So I just took January off as medical leave

And I won’t be home for Christmas

Don’t count on stayin' with me

No I won’t be home for Christmas

Don’t think about askin' me where I’m gonna be

Go on and trash your own house

Eat your own food

Go out and buy your own Christmas tree

'Cause I won’t be home for Christmas

So don’t count on visitin' me

I said don’t count on botherin' me

No don’t count on stayin' with me

I don’t want no Christmas presents

I don’t want a Christmas card

I don’t even want a phone call!