I'm No Russian - Jimmy Buffett

I’m no Russian

Not even Prussian

Doorman at the yacht club

Was my one claim to fame

Some say I’m nervy

Hell, I’m from Jersey

This chasin' money

Can do things to your brain

How does a shore boy like me

Wind up out on the Black Sea

Dropped out of Harvard

Then joined the Coast Guard

Manned a faithful 50

On a boat in Gitmo

Did my duty

But missed the boo-tay

I heard that St. Barth

Was the place I should go

How could a coastie like me

Sail off into infamy

I couldn’t surf or sing or play the guitar

All I ever did was steal an oligarch’s car

My million dollar joy ride was not the perfect crime

And those bad boys from Little Odessa

Don’t believe in wasting time

A Lamborghini Elemento

Ain’t your average island car

«park it close» the driver told me

Sounding like some kind of czar

With a bucket of Cristal

And devil weed inside

I thought it would be crazy

Not to take a ride

Flying through Gustavia

Passing Mini Mokes

Gendarmes at the roundabout

Didn’t get the joke

Speeding down the hill

Like a Dassault Mirage

Parked it on the runway

And headed for la plage

Bar on fire

Din of desire

Dancing on a table

She was waving me in

Her name was Kira

She knew no fear-a

Then introduced me to

Her vampirish friends

I’d never seen such a girl

Was she from some future world?

Over thousand dollar vodka and kilos of caviar

I told them how I’d commandeered the oligarch’s car

They were laughing, speaking Russian and getting over served

When Kira looked at me and said

«Could you take us round some curves?»

A chick drone strike

Is a lethal attack

You never see it comin'

And you can’t fight back

They feel entitled to all access

From clubs to army camp-as

If you don’t believe it

Ask those generals down in Tampa

The KGB and coppers

Soon joined in the chase

Spectators lined the roads

Like a grand prix race

Dropped the girls at Ti St. Barth

To get them out of the commotion

Then I missed the curve at Toiny

And drove into the ocean

Underwater

My world is sinking

Will I wind up like Pussy Riot

That’s what I’m thinking?

Feeling foolish

My fate’s a mystery

Don’t want polonium

Rolled up in my sushi

Oh baby Jesus come through

I am in need of rescue

Now we can’t leave this white boy

Drowning in the dark

What the hell was he thinkin'?

You don’t fuck around with sharks

Turns out the lovely Kira

Held a most important tool

It was her daddy’s Lamborghini

And she saved that crazy fool

No he couldn’t surf or sing or play the guitar

They made an artificial reef out of the oligarch’s car

It was Kira lovely Kira who got him off the hook

Then they took her yacht to Istanbul

Just to take a look

No, I couldn’t surf or sing or play the guitar

All I ever did was steal an oligarch’s car

My million dollar joy ride, was not the perfect crime

but I’m not dead, still have my head

This margarita needs more lime