The Massive Improve'lence - Frank Zappa

'Membuh, we’s on BROADWAY!

Muthafucker be buyin' dem tickets wants a lil' HEART,

a lil' SOUL…'n some TITTY TOO, ef dey can git it, so, les' get y’all in

positium heah, 'n get dis silly business over wit!

Y’all’s takin' too goddam

long to GROW UP IN ERMERICA!

I suppose you’re right, Mr. THING-FISH, but you’ll have to admit…

this is a rather awkward situation!

HARRY:

That’s right!

Stage-craft is one thing, but this is ridiculous!

Where did that

stimulating little replica come from anyway?

RHONDA:

That’s a GOOD QUESTION, HARRY!

Don’t let him wiggle out of it!

Hound him

mercifullessly until you receive a suitable answer!

HARRY:

Now, just hold yourself in abeyance, RHONDA!

I’ll handle this!

Look here, 'Mr.

POTATO-HEAD', what’s the meaning of all this?

Do you realize what you’re

asking my REPLICA to do?

Do you expect him to literally FALL IN LOVE in front

of all these people… with that artificial RHONDA over there?

THING-FISH:

Do de Pope shit in de woods?

HARRY:

Now, just hold on there, buddy!

Let’s be serious!

The toilet training of

exalted religious personalities is not our primary topic of discussion!

RHONDA:

HARRY, that’s wonderful!

The way you’re just rearing up on your hind legs like

that!

That’s terrific!

So what if you suck a little cock every once in a while!

That’s TERRIFIC!

THING-FISH: (to HARRY)

Look heahhh, sweetheart, they’s somethin' fishy gwine on… all I’s wantin' to

do is get de romantic in’trust out de way so we can git back to de EVIL PRINCE,

'n see what de fuck we gone do 'bouts HIM!

De way you’s givin' me de lip,

lead me to infer a subterior motivatium!

HARRY: (singing)

I WANT A NUN!

I WANT A NUN!

I WANT A BURRO

IN THE FROSTY LIGHT!

THING-FISH:

You want a NUN?

De boy want a NUN?

What de fuck kinda NUN you want?

HARRY: (singing)

I CAN’T SEEM TO MAKE UP MY MIND!

SOMETHING ABOUT MAMMYS

SEEMS SO SUBLIME…

THAT’S THE BROADWAY WORD

USED WHEN THEY RHYME

A SONG ABOUT LOVE!

THING-FISH:

But, on BROADWAY, it’s a NEW DAY!

Ain’tcha hoid?

Yo' unrequired desirin’s be

mo' suited to de ZOMBY-FOLK up in de EVIL PRINCE’S lab-mo-to-rium!

HARRY: (whimpering)

Don’t make fun of me… PLEASE!

I know I’m not the most desirable kind of fellow

a 'MAMMY NUN' could choose for intimate companionship… but…but…

gosh-darn-it, I’d TRY… I'd REALLY TRY to make you HAPPY!

RHONDA:

HARRY… you are… a worm… a disgusting WORM!

YOU WORMMMMMM!

You are nothing

but a WORMMMMMMMMMMMM!

THING-FISH:

Boy obviously got hisseff a provlum!

Would y’all like to use my nakkin' one mo'

time?

HARRY:

Oh, YES!

YES!

Give me… your…how do you say it?

'NAY'KIN'?

Oh!

I think this is going too far, Mr. THING-FISH!

I haven’t even had a chance to

fall in love, or to grow to maturity yet!

The ARTIFICIAL RHONDA is pining away

for my wholesome companionship, just over there!

This isn’t right!

You’re letting everything get all out of sequence!

THING-FISH:

Whoa!

I gots yo' 'SEQUENCE' hangin', boy!

Get outs de way!

Cain’t y’see dat de

mizzable cock-sucker you ultimately gwine become done fell in love wit' a

'MAMMY NUN'!

Awright, which one idit, sweetheart?

HARRY:

I… I…can't seem to make up my mind… you're all so… MASTERFUL!

So SENSUOUS.

.you're so INCREDIBLY TALENTED!

RHONDA:

…a wor-r-r-r-r-mmmmmmmmmm!

You are a FUCKING WOR-R-R-R-R-R-R-MMMMMMMMM!

THING-FISH:

Makes up yo' mind, dahlin'!

We ain’t gots all night heahhh!

Intromissium be

comin' up putty quick!

Folks be headin' on out to de lobby fo' dem MASH

POTATOES we tole 'em 'bout earlier!

I insist on FALLING IN LOVE, right now, this very moment, and I don’t care what

you do with HIM…

THING-FISH:

Go 'head on den… go git yo' deflateable bitch ovuh deah!

Judgin' fum all de

fuss, you ain’t in much better shape den de large economy size been clutchin'

at my nakkin!

We gots a love song (jes' yo' type), bridgin' de conceptiumal gap between what

you IS, what you THINK you is, what WE think you is, what you is GONNA BE,

'n also what yo' rubberized madonna be somewhat remindin' me of!

SISTER OB’DEWLLA 'X', gather de mo' sensitive MAMMYS together fo'

harmonicizatiumal purposes, while de ones with de M.B.A.'s hit de lobby 'n sell

some shit, 'fo de customers over-run yo' ass!

Meanwhile, lil' guy,

go get yo' rubber girl 'n esspress yo-seff!