Cabin Fever - Chris Webby

Yeah

Man, this year is fucking killing me

Being trapped in this fucking house?

I’m losing it

Stab myself in the neck to see how quick I bleed out (ow)

That’s how I bored I been in quarantine stuck in a fucking house

Good thing I got a pound of drugs up under the couch

If I didn’t, shit, I woulda lost my mind by now (yeah)

So bored that I stapled my own dick to the floor (ooh)

Just to see what would happen (fuck) and I can’t piss anymore

So my bladder backed up and exploded up in my body (ugh)

But I picked up surgery as my quarantine hobby (haha)

So I managed to tape it up and stapled it shut

And rerouted my urethra, now I pee through my butt

Webby, seriously dog, like what the fuck?

My bad, I’m on drugs, I’m just making this up (true)

I went MILF hunting at Whole Foods with whole plans

Hadn’t gotten laid in weeks, I was ready to go ham

Tried to fuck a cougar but settled for roast ham

And by that I mean, actually fucking a roast ham

I put on a Trojan and grabbed it with both hands (oh yeah)

And lubed that bitch up with a can of cold spam (ugh)

Gave it a few thrusts (ugh), got a quick nut

Till they called the pigs up (oh shit), then I just zipped up and I ran

(skedaddle)

Now that’s a triple pork entendre

Probably got like eighty seven baby mommas (yeah), that’s why

I will always stay changing my numbers (who's my dad)

Mmh, nah, I’ll just let him wonder, kinda kidding

But what’s a future with some kids in my plans?

I mean, our only common interest is shitting our pants and sucking our tits

And regularly having women wiping down and touching our dicks

(Yo, you bugging for this)

I went on the dark web drunk the other night

And woke up with a brand new Ukrainian wife

Gotta be honest, at first, shit was pretty uncomfortable

So I loosened her up with that classic Cliff Huxtable (here, drink this)

That’s a roofie joke, that’s cool in 2020, right?

(Right?)

No?

I’m just tryna keep it light (oh shit)

But it’s hard to read the room, shit I got terrible sight

Can I at least make jokes about transvestites

Or would that make me a dick, get it?

Make me a dick (haha)

And all these uptight buttholes are making me sick (fuck you)

I’m in the gender neutral bathroom taking a shit

Door open, sitting there waving and shit (hi)

Like hi kids, do you like sirens?

Hang around with me enough, you’ll see police officers and firemen

Following me driving, swerving till they piling

On top of each other as I just speed away smiling (yeah)

'Cause Webby so ridiculous, crazy as a bitter bitch

That I haven’t texted back since I gave her syphilis (fuck you, Chris)

And gonorrhea, I ain’t know I was infected

But it’s all good, at least I’ve been coronavirus tested (true)

Swabbed on my dick, then I went and post-marked it

Priority mail, right to the Wuhan market

Pretty sure I’ll pass, I’ve been wearing a mask

And been healthy on a diet, eating nothing but bat (delicious)

On my Ozzy Osbourne, just a child of the corn

They mistook me for some kinda devil that’s in human form

Till I bleached my red skin and I sawed off my horns, 'cause

All I do is sin, take drugs, and watch porn

Got a Craigslist hooker just to talk to her

Thought it would be chill, but nothing coulda been awkwarder

All I needed was someone to listen to what I said

«Get a therapist!», she told me, while giving me head

Yeah, I got a lotta problems but I never let 'em get to me

Fart on elevators and I blame the woman next to me (gross)

All for gender equality as long as that includes

A bitch doing my laundry and getting my dishes washed for me

Honestly, I’m just motherfucking kicking up dust

Just to do it, so you can go and lick on my nuts

You can find me all high in my car getting puffed

Either there or at the dog park sniffing butts

Yeah, I’m frigging nuts, do you not get it?

(Get it)

Shit, I always was, then you add a pandemic

When I’m locked in the crib with mad pills, free time, and no chill

But fuck it, we going crazier still, now here’s a hook, so

Follow my lead and do what I do (come on)

Snort a buncha cocaine and run around nude (yeah)

Jump in the gorilla enclosure up at the zoo (do it)

You show up, black out to your work interview, so

Follow my lead and say what I say (say it)

Piss off any and everybody that’s in the way (fuck it)

Who gives a fuck?

Shit, the world is ending any day

Shit, I forgot to write a last line, fuck it