Spooky Mormon Hell Dream - Benjamin Schrader, Kevin Duda, Brian Tyree Henry

ELDER PRICE

Long ago when I was five

I snuck in the kitchen late at night

And ate a doughnut with a maple glaze

My father asked who ate the snack

I said that it was my brother Jack

And Jack got grounded for fourteen days

I’ve lived with that guilt all of my life

And the terrible vision that I had that night

No, please!

I don’t wanna' go back!!!

DEMONS

Down, down thy soul is cast!

From the Earth whence forth ye fell!

The path of fire leads thee

To spooky Mormon Hell dream!

Welcome back to spooky Mormon Hell dream!

You are having a spooky Mormon Hell dream now!

ELDER PRICE

And now I’ve gone and done it again (Rectus!)

I committed another awful sin (Dominus!)

I left my mission companion all alone (Spookytus!)

Oh God, how could I have done this to you?

(Deus!)

How could I break rule seventy-two?

(Creepyus!)

And now my soul has just been thrown —

Back into spooky Mormon Hell dream!

DEMONS

Down, down to Satan’s realm

See where you belong!

There is nothing you can do

No escape from spooky Mormon Hell dream!

JESUS

You blamed your brother for eating the doughnut, and now you walk out on your

mission companion?!

Tch!

You’re a DICK!

ELDER PRICE

Jesus, I’m sorry!

DEMONS

Jesus hates you, this we know!

For Jesus just told you so!

You remember Lucifer?!

He is even spookier!

LUCIFER

Minions of Hades, have you heard the news?

Kevin was caught playing hooky!

Now he’s back with all you Cath’lics and Jews!

It’s super spooky-wooky!

ELDER PRICE

I’m sorry, Lord, it was selfish of me

To break the rules, please I don’t wanna' be

In this spooky Mormon Hell dream!

DEMONS

Spooky Mormon Hell dream!

Genghis Khan, Jeffrey Dahmer, Hitler, Johnnie Cochran

The spirits all surround you!

Spooky, spooky, spoooo-ky!

HITLER

I started a war und killed millions of Jews!

GENGHIS KHAN

I slaughtered the Chinese!

JEFFREY DAHMER

I stabbed a guy and fucked his corpse!

JOHNNIE COCHRAN

I got OJ free!

ELDER PRICE

You think that’s bad?

I broke rule seventy-two!

(*Gasps*)

I left my companion!

I’m way worse than you!

I hate this spooky Mormon Hell dream!

(Spooky Mormon Hell dream!)

Oh, Heavenly Father!

(Ah…)

Please give me one more chance!

(Ah…)

I won’t break the rules again!

(Ah…)

I can’t believe Jesus called me a dick!!!

DEMONS

Welcome, welcome to spooky Mormon Hell dream!

You are never waking up from spooky Mormon Hell dream!

ELDER PRICE (DEMONS)

Oh, please help me Father!

(Down, down thy soul is cast)

Please let me wake up!

(From the Earth whence forth ye fell)

Give me one more chance!

(This must be it, you must be there)

I won’t let you down again!

(You must be in spooky Mormon Hell dream now!)