Waves of Sorrow - Akira the Don, Jocko Willink

The fact is we don’t really have a cultural protocol for

What to do when we lose a loved one

You have to basically make up that protocol

First thing is you already know it’s going to be wretched

And you’re not going to escape it

That pain the pain that is going to come

Is going to come in waves

At first you won’t even notice that they’re waves

Because all the waves are going to be so close together

They’re going to be so continual

Right on top of each other

And the pain and the sadness is gonna feel like it’s so heavy

It’s going to feel like you are drowning in sorrow

Like you’re not getting any air and like you’re not

Going to be able to escape that sadness

And then at some point there’s going to be a little break

Someone will be a light in the darkness

Something is gonna make you smile

Something is gonna make you laugh

Something is just gonna show you a little bit of light

Little bit of light

And then another wave of pain is gonna come back again

And you won’t have any control of it

And that’s scary

We get used to as adults hey we can kinda get control of things

And all of a sudden you’re not gonna have control

It’s gonna hit you and you’re gonna feel it

But like a wave in the ocean

That is eventually going to subside again

And you’ll see a little bit of light

And you’ll feel it for a second

Another wave is gonna hit you

You’re going to be sitting there

And all of a sudden you’re going to be crying

That’s what’s gonna happen

The mercy of this ocean of sorrow

But don’t let that scare you

Because I’m telling you

That wave is going to subside again and

This is going to go on

And the waves they will become weaker

This doesn’t mean that you love your child

Any less or that you aren’t crushed at their passing

It just means that you are starting to be able

To deal with it

Which is what you’re supposed to do

And as the waves get weaker

They will also appear less frequently

And again, that’s ok

It doesn’t mean that you don’t think you’re at times

It just means that it’s being dealt with

And while this is happening

While the storm waves start to come a little bit

What you can do is row the boat

You can row the boat

What I mean by that is start doing things productive

To get your mind forward

Let’s do something productive

Let’s sort out the drawers, the bedroom

Let’s vacuum, let’s finish the project

Let’s do something productive

And if there’s something that distracts you

That’s fine, do it

Let there be some calm in the water

As the calm, calms

Also you’re going to find moments where it’s like

You’re going to find things that are gonna

Bring on the waves and that’s ok too

Bring on the waves, go look at the pictures

Down the memories, read the memories

Read the notes, read the emails, remember

And then there’s that standard service

They’re gonna do the memorial and do the burial

And when that’s over, let a little bit more time go by

Give yourself another week of washing around

Of feeling sorry

Of letting the waves toss you around in the ocean

After that week what you do is you go and you

Write a letter to your child and explain to them

Explain to them how much they meant to you

Explain to them how heartbroken you are that

They are gone and then explain to them why

You are going to carry on

Why you are going to keep going with them in your heart

Explain to them you’re not going to dwell in their loss

And explain to them how you have learned without

A shred of doubt how truly precious life is

And that they have taught you the immeasurable value

Of your own life, and your wife’s life, and your family’s life

And explain to them that you know

That you know they loved you and you know that they

Would want more than anything for you to be happy

And productive and impactful in the world

And explain in that letter what you will do

To make them proud of how you live your life

And then take that letter and go to their grave

And read it to them and cry

And kiss their soul and tell them that you’ll see them

On the other side and then go live your life

Those waves are still going to come

And there’s still going to be pain

And there’s still going to be sorrow

But you go and live your life

And live it well and make them proud