No Anchovies, Please - J. Geils Band

While waiting for her husband Don to return home from work, she reaches for a

can of anchovies

As she spreads the tiny fish across a piece of lettuce, she notices a small

note at the bottom of the can

Written on it is a telephone number

Curious, she dials, and is told, «Don't move, lady, we’ll be right over.»

Placing the phone back on the hook, she turns to see three smartly dressed men

standing in her kitchen doorway

Before she realizes what is happening to her, she is rolled tightly in long

sheets of cellophane, transported to an international airport, and placed on a

waiting jet-liner

All this being too much for her to comprehend, she passes out

Upon awakening, she finds herself in a strange, foreign speaking nation

(«Dalas nekcihc dna tihs nekcihc neewteb ecnereffid eht wonk ot suineg a Ekat

t’nseod ti.»)

Alone, fearing her escape impossible, she seeks comfort in the arms of a

confidential agent

With the trace of her kiss still warm upon his lips, he betrays her to the

hands of three scientists who are engaged in diabolical, avant-garde

experiments previously performed only on insects and other small,

meaningless creatures

Using her as their subject, they are delighted with the results.

For the first time, a human being is transformed into a--

«Shhh… It’s secret»

Meanwhile, back in Portland, Maine…

Her husband, Don, now chain-smoking 40 packs of cigarettes a day,

sits at a local bar and has a few beers with the regulars.

Bored,

everyone’s attention turns to the television set that just hangs from the wall

(«Welcome to Bowling for Dollars»)

Suddenly, crazy Al says, «S-say, Don.

There sure is something familiar about

that bowling ball.»

To which a terrified Don replies, «Oh my God!

That bowling ball!

It’s my wife!»

And the lesson we learn from this story is, next time you place your order

Don’t forget to say, «No anchovies, please.»