A Truckie's Last Will and Testament - Slim Dusty

I, John Austral, Truckie, being of unsound mind and bump bruised body

Do hereby make my last will and testament

And bequeath my truck to the finance company

Who will end up with it anyway

To my wife, I leave all the loving she can stand

And a big apology for not being home more often

I also apologize for being so tired when I was home

And for wanting to go to bed too early when she wanted to go out

You know old girl, there was a pretty good reason for this

I really didn’t get as much sleep on the road as you imagine

Not really, a lot of the time I was just too damn tired

To my children, I leave all the wisdom, most of us truckies never had

And I hope that none of you grow up to be dirty, grease covered

Gear grindin' truck drivers like me

To all good, clean, honest truck stops, I leave the windscreen

Of my old truck, which most of them didn’t clean anyway

But I leave it just the same, as a shining example of their

Handy work and faithfulness, in helping me get to where I was going safely

To all the lousy, filthy, dirty truck stops, I leave a pair of dirty socks

And two pairs of dirt covered unmentionables that have been rolled up

And stuffed behind the seats in between the oil cans

I leave them so they can hang them up in their filthy rest rooms

And keep them as dirty as possible, so as to scare away any truckie

Who might dare enter that fever infested restroom

To all highway patrolmen, state policemen, port of entry inspectors

Fruit fly inspectors, tick gate patrolmen

Local constables and government regulators

I leave 316 pounds of reading matter that includes, law books

Motor vehicle guides, regulations and other enforced bull dust

So they can become as fed up as I was

To honest, fair lawmen, I leave a waving hand, in memory of

Their tolerance and understanding, especially in the Northern Territory

Where hills are recognized as enemies of truckies

And the speed laws are almost as good as the roads

And may I say the same about Queensland

To all other lawmen, I leave a waving hand

But I add a slightly different finger and wrist action

To the mayor of truck noise I leave a prepaid toll ticket

For a truck and trailer, since I know that even he would have

A hard time paying the high tolls on that road

To the dear old town of Booze Up, I leave my gravel driveway

So the towns people including the local copper

Can walk on it barefoot to remind themselves of their own roads

Which are not almost heaven

To my wife also, I leave a map of Australia, so she can discover

It really does take a day or two to cross two inches

Of the Northern Territory, because this is a bloody big country

To New South Wales I leave a recipe for coffee Ough

Now to the truck stops who over price me on fuel, I leave the hope

That someday some stupid truck horn comes along in a truck horn

Big mack with a through hop trailer and flattens his bloody pumps

And now to the mayor of brake squealing noise, I leave one stone

To be placed on his desk and under each paper, which he has to sign

Which will make it as hard to write as it was to drive on his roads

To all the good garages and dedicated shop foremen, I leave a word of thanks

For helping me to stay on the road, even if it was only to pay their bill

And to all the crooks at the bad garages, I leave you the best of all

I leave you the tourists

To all the truck stops with little or no parking, I leave the

State of Victoria, to be distributed in ten acre lots

To all the crummy pubs, I leave a freeway by-pass, and to all the

Pubs that threw me out because of my language, offensive behavior

Or indecent dress, I leave the solemn hope that their beer turns to soap subs

And all their drinkers riot and wreck the bloody place

To all the mugs who pinched the gear of my truck when I was

(sound of car passing and sleeping in cab or the gutter nearby

I leave the hope that their wife runs off with the local dirt collector

Last but not least, I leave to the government of Australia

The firm hope that some leader, some lawmaker, somewhere, will

Have the courage, honesty and foresight, to get his sound of car horn

Into gear and pass some legislation providing for uniform loading

Of trucks and seek other ways to ensure further rights for truckies everywhere

And so being of unsound mind and worn out body, I leave my last $ 7.00 to

Truck and Bus magazine so my wife can read it and remember what a

Bloody good truckie she was married to and maybe miss me for another year