Stoning - Monty Python, Graham Chapman, Michael Palin

Official: Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath …

Matthias: (to Official’s Helper): Do I say «Yes»?

Official’s Helper: Yes

Matthias: Yes

Official: You have been found guilty by the elders of the town of uttering the

Name of our Lord and so as a blasphemer you are to be stoned to

Death

Matthias: Look, I’d had a lovely supper and all I said to my wife was, «That

Piece

Official: Blasphemy!

He’s said it again

Women: Yes, he did

Official: Did you hear him?

Women: Yes we did.

Really

Official: (suspiciously) Are there any women here today?

(The women all shake their heads. The Official faces Matthias again.)

Official: Very well, by virtue of the authority vested in me …

(One of the women throws a stone and it hits Matthias on the knee.)

Matthias: Ow.

Lay off.

We haven’t started yet

Official: (turning around) Come on, who threw that?

(Silence.)

Who threw that stone?

Come on

Women: (pointing to the culprit, keeping their voices as low in pitch as

They can)

She did

He.

Him

Culprit: (very deep voice) Sorry, I thought we’d started

Official: Go to the back

Culprit: Oh dear

(disappointedly goes to back)

Official: There’s always one, isn’t there?

Now, where were we?

…

Matthias: Look.

I don’t think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying

«Jehovah!»

(Sensation!!! The women gasp.)

Women: (high voices) He said it again

(low voices) He said it again

Official: (to Matthias) You’re only making it worse for yourself

Matthias: Making it worse?

How can it be worse?

Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah

(Great Sensation!!!)

Official: I’m warning you.

If you say «Jehovah» once more …

(He gasps at his error and claps his hand over his mouth. A stone

Hits him on the side of the head.

He reacts.)

Right!

Who threw that?

Women: (high voices)

It was her

It was *him*

(low voices)

It was him

Official: Was it you?

Culprit: Yes

Official: All right

Culprit: Well, you did say «Jehovah.»

(The women all shriek and throw stones at her from very close range. She falls

To the ground stunned.

Quick cut of Romans reacting.

They shake their heads

And mutter to each other.)

Official: Stop that.

Stop it, will you stop that.

Now look, no one is to

Stone anyone until I blow this whistle.

*Even*…and I want to

Make this absolutely clear…*even* if they *do* say «Jehovah.»