Martydom Of St Victor - Monty Python, Graham Chapman, Michael Palin

And it came to pass that St Victor was taken from this place to another place

Where he was lain upon pillows of silk

And made to rest himself amongst sheets of muslin and velvet.

And there stroked was he by maidens of the Orient.

For sixteen days and nights stroked they him, yea verily and caressed him.

His hair, ruffled they.

And their fingers rubbethed they in oil of olives,

and runneth them across all parts of his body for as much as to soothe him.

And the soles of his feet licked they.

And the upper parts of his thigh did they anoint with the balm of forbidden

trees.

And with the teeth of their mouths,

nibbleth they the pointed bits at the top of his ears.

Yea verily, and did their tongues thereof make themselves acquainted

with his most secret places.

For fifteen days and nights did Victor withstand these maidens.

But on the sixteenth day he cried out, saying

«This is fantastic!

Oh, this is terrific!»

And the Lord did hear the cry of Victor.

And verily came He down and slew the maidens.

And caused their cotton wool buds to blow away,

and their Kleenex to be laid waste utterly.

And Victor, in his anguish, cried out that the Lord was a rotten bastard.

And the Lord sent an angel to comfort Victor for the weekend.

And entered they together the Jaccuzzi.

Here endeth the lesson.