If You Build A Better Mousetrap - Helen O'Connell

They say if you build a better mousetrap the world

will beat a pathway to your house.

If Luke was to build a better mousetrap, somebody’d breed a smarter mouse.

If it started raining soup his family’d all have forks,

If they was to cut a woman in two, he’d get the half that talks.

Unlucky Luke, unlucky kid,

Why he broke into a betting shop and he lost four hundred quid.

Now his parents never loved him like they did his sister, Kim,

They could tied a kipper 'round his neck to get the cat to play with him.

And he cried the day that he was weened 'cause he knew even then,

It’d be twenty years before he was near anything like that again.

They put his cradle on the ???

near the door,

So the folks downstairs could hear him when he fell out on the floor.

Now the saddest day of Luke’s unhappy life, beyond a doubt,

Was the day he went to hospital to get his tonsils out.

He was on the operating theatre trolley sleeping sound,

When a short-sighted nurse came past and turned the trolley 'round.

Unlucky Luke, no wonder he hollers,

His sick aunt died and in her will he owed her forty dollars.

Now Luke married Charlie’s widow, a lady with no manners,

She had a figure like a hippo and face like a bag of spanners.

She told him she’d four children in the cemetary by the creek,

She forgot to tell they was down there playin' hide and seek.

Unlucky Luke, at the age of fifty-two,

Had a wife, a girlfriend and a tax demand and all three were overdue.

Now Luke came home one lunch time, he’d been out selling lucky charms,

He tripped over a neighbour’s cat and fractures both his arms.}

He said, «Hey, that’s a black cat, why that’s lucky, I’ve a hunch.»

His wife said, «That cat’s lucky 'cause he’s just had your lunch.»

Last night he lost his pet alsation pup,

So he phoned up the Samaritans but the Samaritans hung up.

Oh Luke, he had to go to France, his wife said, «I suppose you’ll fly.»

He said, «With luck like mine the plane’ll crash and

I’m too young to die.»

So he sailed there in the safety of an ocean-going ship,

But he got drowned when the boat went down when the

plane crashed into it."

Unlucky Luke, unlucky Luke,

Until the day he died fate was against unlucky Luke.