Having a Kid is a Crazy Gamble - Aziz Ansari

Having a kid is a crazy gamble man

No one ever talks about it in terms of it being a gamble

But it is

Think about what position in life you’re in when you decide to have a kid

Usually a very safe position

You know?

You’re married, you found a mate

That’s huge

You usually have a job and a home

That’s very difficult to lock down

It’s like you finally put together this very large complicated puzzle

And then you’re just like «FUCK THIS PUZZLE LETS HAVE A KID!»

And then the kid just shits all over the puzzle

The puzzle is ruined

You are never putting it back together again

It’s destroyed

And now you have this kid

And here’s the gamble, here’s the scary part

You can do everything right, you can read all the books

And you can still have a total piece of shit kid

You could have the worst kid!

You could have one of the bully kids

That could be your kid

You don’t know

You could have a total piece of shit

Teacher’s like «uhh your son.»

Yeah.

I know, he’s shitty ok?

I hang out with him all the time he’s the worst

What do you want me to do huh?

I have to feed and shelter him or I get thrown in jail for some reason

Oooo.

I’m sorry he’s ruinging your mornings

Guess who hangs with him on afternoons and weekends?

Me.

So how about a little sympathy for me?

«Well sir, have you thought about…»

No there’s nothing to think about

There’s nothing to do ok?

It’s not his diet

He doesn’t have too much gluten

He’s just shitty ok?

Some people are nice some people are shitty

My kid is shitty alright?

I have accepted it alrght?

I made a mistake!

Ok?

I gave up my best years raising this monster!

I could’ve started a band!

I play bass

But nooo I didn’t do that

Instead I have this thing

Ohhh something that looks like me and my wife put together

Uhhh great.

Eat your vegetables

Can I throw a baseball at your face he catches half the time?

FUCK ME!