Baltimore - Audra McDonald

When my mother told me

«Don't forget your rain boots when it’s wet»

I listened up just like a good, good little girl

And when she prudently suggested

I should lose the cigarette

I knew that bit of wisdom was a pearl

But in all of the advice that I collected through the years

I admit to you with trepidatious dread

Unfortunately there was some

That whizzed right through my ears

Oh where, where was my mind when mother said:

Avoid naval-contemplating, floppy-haired actors

Originally from Baltimore

Who excel at mime, still play Stratego

And have issues with their mom

Sure, at first, they’re very charming

Their attention is disarming

But give attention in return and, dear

They’ll drop you like a bomb

Yes, do avoid REO-Speedwagon-loving

Christopher-Walken-imitating thespians

Originally from Baltimore

Who can’t piss unless their shrink says it’s okay

Why let them break your heart, dear?

Put your head on and be smart, dear

Put some bug spray on and make them go away

When my daddy told me

«Look both ways before you cross the street»

I took his words to heart, and I complied

And when he told me

«Be yourself,» and I should march to my own beat

I did, and found the truth was bonafide

But in all of the advice that I collected through the years

I have to say, I am a bit surprised

I missed the best advice that daddy trumpeted my way

Oh where, where was my mind when he advised:

Avoid narcissistic, alcoholic

Think they’re French, but they’re not, waiters

Originally from Baltimore

Who deflower you

Carry a copy of Fountainhead in their pocket

And lie about their age

Sure, at first, their eyes look steely

And their words are touchy-feely

Have them cheat upon you twice

And my advice is more than sage

Yes, do steer clear of Renaissance-festival-loving

Food service consultants originally from Baltimore

Who say they danced with NYC Ballet

But are really an administrative intern

For it’s clear upon reflection, if you give him your affection

You will understand the concept, «Crash and Burn»

The singles world out there can be a scary land

I have to ask: Is it me, or is it Maryland?

So, if you can possibly avoid it

Don’t fall in love, or lust, or have crushes

On boys from Baltimore

Though, at first, they seem chock-full of style and class

Sure, Cal Ripken’s charm is actual

But he’s married, and it’s factual

Pimlico is not the only place you’ll find a horse’s ass

Yes, at all costs, avoid

Ridiculous, though amusing, experiences

Cultivated in Baltimore

Barry Levenson, I mean no disrespect

If you have to go to Baltimore

And meet boys, do not marry 'em

Although, it’s true, I hear

That they’ve got quite a nice aquarium

Ladies, take your hearts, and run

As fast as little legs can carry 'em

From Baltimore

There are better boys in Boise

Boys in Boise always call

You’ll have better luck in Jersey

Or St. Paul—well, not St. Paul

But, no matter where life takes you

It just makes no sense to fall

In Baltimore

Hey, where you from?

Silver Spring?

Oh…