It's A Hit! - Stephen Sondheim

JOE

Listen to that!

Will you listen to that!

FRANK

Do you know what that means?

Let me tell you what that means —

Wait, no, anyone who even thinks it

Don’t say it, you’ll jinx it —

CHARLEY

Listen to that!

JOE

Did you listen to that?

FRANK

Does that make you feel proud?

Well, feel more than just proud —

Okay, wait, I’ll tempt fate

And I’ll state it out loud

That’s the sound of a —

Hit!

It’s a hit!

Gang, I think this is it!

No more writing clever little shows

For those basement saloons

No more proclamations from the pros

That «You can’t hum the tunes" —

CHARLEY

No more sneaking in at intermission

To the plays you wish you could afford —

MARY

Or producers having you audition

Whenever they’re bored —

CHARLEY

And who’ll say

Right away

As you play

The first chord:

«Boys, boys that is very, very uh what’s the word?

Interesting

And if I thought an audience would go and see it

I would produce it in a minute

NEXT!»

ALL

We’re a hit!

We’re a hit!

JOE

Standing up —

The whole bit!

FRANK

No more coaching those sopranos

With voices like bees —

CHARLEY

No more secondhand pianos

With six broken keys —

MARY

No more agents giving you opinions

As they turn you over to their minions —

ALL

Just for these

Guarantees

We should please

Thank the lord

It’s a hit!

It’s a hit!

BETH

Will my folks have a fit!

After all of that baloney

They’ve made me go through

All that, «Honey, not that he’s a phoney

But what does he do?»

Will their faces be stony

When they see on their Sony

Someone handing the phoney

The Tony Award!

FRANK

(spoken)

'I would like to begin by thanking all of the hundreds of people who have

turned down every show I have ever written so I could win tonight for this one!

Thank you

(sung)

Listen to that!

Will you listen to that?

Tell me, is that a noise

Or is that a noise?

That is a noise we’ve been waiting

The whole of our lives to hear!

BETH

Listen to that!

Did you listen to that?

Honey, is that a noise

Or is that a noise?

That is the loveliest noise

For a breadwinning wife to hear!

FRANK

Listen to that

Will you listen to that!

I can’t stand it!

MARY

Listen to that!

That’s obscene!

JOE

That is a noise

That is really a —

Listen to that!

Will you listen to that?

Golly, I can’t — listen to that!

Will you listen to that?

CHARLEY

Listen to that!

Fellas, that is a noise

That is really a noise!

I can’t stand it!

Will you listen to that!

Will you listen to that!

BETH

Listen to that!

Did you listen to that?

I can’t stand it!

Did you listen to that!

Listen to that!

Will you listen to that!

FRANK

Listen to that!

That is the noise I’ve been waiting

My life to hear!

Listen to that!

Will you listen to that!

Will you listen to that!

ALL

That’s the sound of an audience

Losing its mind!

It’s the Pope on his balcony

Blessing mankind!

JOE

Folks, it’s 'Funny Girl', 'Fiddler'

And 'Dolly' combined!

All:

It’s a hit!

It’s a hit!

It’s a palpable hit!

FRANK AND CHARLEY

If it only even runs a minute

At least it’s a wedge

It’s the theater and we’re really in it

Not just on the edge!

JOE

If your spirits ever need improving

You can drop in any night for free!

FRANK

But the thing that’s positively moving —

CHARLEY

You could have fooled me —

FRANK AND CHARLEY

Is we’re still old friends!

Nothing can kill old friends!

FRANK, CHARLEY AND MARY

Where there’s a will, old friends

Don’t need success to survive!

FRANK, CHARLEY, MARY AND BETH

And us, old friends

What’s to discuss, old friends?

ALL

We’ve got a surefire

Genuine

Walkaway

Blockbuster

Lines down to broadway

Boffola

Sensational

Box office

Lalapalooza

Gargantuan —

Hit!

It’s a hit!

It’s a hit!

It’s a hit!

It’s a hit!

It’s a hit!